Monthly Archives: November 2013

Missing you

fall 2012 summer 2013 050I miss you…

I miss the way you held my hand; gently, but strong enough to pull me close to you… I miss your beautiful smile that lit up your entire face, and your laughter that made my heart smile every single time…  I miss our late night talks born in darkness and lit with our laughter… So many years, so many moments, so many whispers of love and dreams not yet realized… It seems to have gone by in a blur and suddenly, you’re not here…  Somehow it doesn’t seem right… We were supposed to do this thing called life together… You and me against the world.  How am I supposed to be okay?  How am I supposed to live without you?  They say I’m strong, but it’s not me… It’s Him.  They don’t see my tears…  They don’t see my shattered heart… They don’t know that I can’t look at your pictures for very long without weeping…  They don’t know that I dream about you every single night… They don’t know that I don’t want to sleep because it hurts too much to wake up from those dreams and lose you all over again.  Every. Single. Morning.  No, I’m not strong… I want to wake up from this bad dream… This nightmare that has become my life… Put a smile on my face and smile for the crowd, lest they worry about me…  It’s only the promise that you’re with Him that I can go on each day… It’s not by my strength that I live and move, But His… He is my strength…  I miss you, I miss the way you would encourage me… And hold me and tell me that it was going to be okay…  I miss waking up next to you and seeing your handsome face inches from mine… I miss the way you loved me… So purely, so unconditionally… I miss you…  I know that I’ll be okay, I know that my heart will heal…  I know that I’m a survivor… I just never imagined that I would have to survive without you…  So, I’m going to sit here and not be strong… And look at your picture, and remember how much we loved each other and imagine where we would go on our anniversary in two weeks and cry…  And just allow myself, to miss you…IMG_0985

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The New Normal

oct 2013 254It’s been about two months since Robert passed away.  Well, two months and four days to be exact.  There are so many things that you just don’t think about when you think of people dying.  I think the thing that stands out most is what he left behind.  You always hear that… “You can’t take it with you…”  It’s kind of corny, annoying even.  But it’s really true.  I have a decorative box that I keep on my nightstand that I keep some of his things in.  His wallet, his glasses, the eulogy from his funeral.  Things that I would never give away, but couldn’t bare to throw away.  It made me think… What if I died?  What do I leave behind for someone else to clean up?  Robert clearly left more than simply material things.  He didn’t care about objects and was much more concerned with people.   But what about us?  What would we leave behind?  Once the clothes are given away to friends or goodwill and the money if any, is dispersed, what else is left?  I’d like to think that I mattered to people.  I would hope that I would leave this life full of memories with people who I loved.  I would sincerely hope that I made a difference in the lives of the people around me.  Because if all I left was simply a bunch of items that could be purchased in a store, it would be a sad legacy…

My husband left us with hearts full of loving memories of him.  He was kind, and caring, but he’d still hold me accountable when I needed it.  He prayed with and over our children.  He loved me in a way that is at times difficult to describe.  I don’t pretend that he was perfect, nor do I wish to give the impression that we had a flawless and perfect marriage, for there is no such thing.  But, we loved each other, and we worked hard to communicate that love to one another.  He wasn’t a workaholic. He didn’t say ugly things to me or treat me like I was beneath him.  He treated me as an equal; yet I knew that he was the head of our household and I submitted to his authority.  He never lorded his authority over me, but was gentle and kind, much like I imagine Jesus would be…

I miss him.  But he left me so much.  He left me these amazing kids.  He left me with a heart that still yearns for his…  He left me with a promise that I would see him again one day.  He made me make some promises to him as well.  He asked me to home school the kids, and to finish my Master’s degree in counseling.  He knew my dreams and wanted me to realize them.  He told me to write our story and to raise our kids the way that God had called us to raise them.  These are the things that he left behind.  There is no material value to them at all.  But I feel rich as a result of having them.

I admit, it’s hard sometimes.  There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed.  If I were completely honest, I’d say that my five munchkins are the reason that I even get up on some days.  But I hear his voice in my head saying, “Get your butt up woman!” Right now, I’m going through the motions.  I know that one day it won’t be as hard.  I do things because they have to be done, and I push myself to do most things.  I put a smile on my face and just push.  Push myself out of bed, push myself to church, push myself to talk to people… Push, push, push… If I look at his pictures for too long, I’m reduced to tears.  I. Just. Miss. Him.  But I’m not so engulfed in my grief that I don’t see the blessings shining through it all.  This is a part of life… In some ways, I still think I’m in shock.  I expected that God would heal him.  But that was God’s right and choice to not do so.  I trust his judgment, even if it feels like a bitter pill going down at times.

What will I leave behind?  It’s my prayer that people will see my faith in God and know that he’s real, and true.  If I left this world tomorrow, I would hope that people would understand the reality of who God is in every circumstance.  Sometimes we don’t get the answers we want, but we always get an answer.

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