Monthly Archives: April 2014

Time stands still for no one and other depressing stuff…

Where we met.  Our alma mater Prairie View A&M University.

Where we met. Our alma mater Prairie View A&M University.

It’s been almost eight months since Robert passed away.  Even as I type that it seems so very strange to say.  Life has gone on.  The world didn’t stop.  Time failed to stand still.  And yet it has in a way.  For the person that has suffered a loss, our world does stop.  The world you once had is no longer and you find yourself trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like without your husband, your wife, your mom, your child… You fill in the blank.  

So in a way, time does stand still…

Because really, the life you had with that person is no more.  And it hurts.  Sometimes the pain is more tangible than the new reality.  It almost feels like a dream.  A nightmare if you will; that you wake up from startled,  and then realize it was just a dream.

Except for us, those who have lost someone they loved;

it’s not a dream and your nightmare is actually your reality.

That all sounds really depressing.  It’s not that I sit in my room and cry all day.  I have good days. I have bad days.  I have days when my life almost feels normal.  It only takes a glance at a family picture, or hearing little girl who is five now, saying “I want Daddy,” as the tears begin to fall, that brings me back to the understanding that this is anything but normal.

I see couples together and I’ll be honest, sometimes it feels like a punch in the stomach.  Especially older couples.  We really wanted to grow old together.  I see my sister’s grandchildren, and my heart explodes with love for those babies, and then I remember; Robert will never be a grandfather.  We won’t be able to watch our grandkids play in our yard as we sip tea and rock in our rocking chairs like we planned.

It hurts to think about a future without him.

I guess I probably sound depressed.  I’m not.  I just really loved my husband.  The fact that he’s not here anymore doesn’t change that.  I’m not looking for someone to take his place or fill his shoes.  I still feel married, and maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but I don’t want to change that.  I guess if I had any advice to give you, it would be this…

Tomorrow isn’t promised.

Live today.  Don’t wait.  Don’t wait until your spouse is sick to make things right.  Don’t wait until it’s too late to forgive that loved one you haven’t talked to in years.  Don’t wait until divorce papers are on the table to realize that you could have tried harder to save what you had.

If I had wasted time holding grudges against my husband, I’d be full of regret right now.

It’s not how I thought my life would be, but my life is still full of love and laughter. While I thought we’d grow old together; we did have the opportunity to grow together.  What God gave me in a my husband and marriage was a gift and I won’t waste time spitting in the face of God because things didn’t go the way I planned.  I refuse to pout because I didn’t get my way.  I trust Him.  Despite it all.  I trust Him.

He always has a plan.  Even if it doesn’t look like he does; he does.

I’m thankful. I’m blessed. I’m still here.  I have a purpose in Him.

You do too.  You may not feel like you do, but you do.

Trust Him.

Even when it’s hard.

Because really; he’s the only one in the world who is truly trustworthy.  He’s the lover of your soul.  Every good thing that you have or have had is because of God.  I trust him, and believe me, this is soooo not what I pictured for my life.  But God is faithful to his children and I do trust him with all that I am.  So forgive my introspectiveness today.  I’m having one of those I really miss my Robert moments.  But I rest assured, because of Christ, I will see him again.  I grieve with hope. Not that I will only see my husband one day, but that I will be able to embrace the one who gave us to each other.

Be blessed friends,

Gretchen

I don’t go on dates…

I know. Weird title. I guess it would seem obvious. After all, I’ve only been a widow for eight months. But that’s not the kind of dating I was referring to…

Sometimes while scrolling through the wonderful world of Facebook, I’ll see a friend post “Date night, yay!” It never fails to shock me. It reminds me that I used to go on date nights. Most weekends actually. Even if we stayed at home; Robert and I spent time alone without the kids. I’m happy that my friends are dating their husbands, but for some reason seeing those words just seems to paralyze me. I guess the bottom line is that I really enjoyed spending time with my hubby. I miss that time together.

I miss him.

But because I try to see the glass half full instead of half empty, I have started dating myself.

Again; I know…
Sounds weird…

Because I’m with my kids as a homeschooling mom every day, all day; I need time to recharge…

Have I mentioned that I’m with my kids everyday?
All day?

Don’t get me wrong, I have some absolutely wonderful kids. They’re pretty awesome if I may say so… But you know how it is… You know; those days where you’ve had a very rough day and you can’t wait for your husband to come and relieve you?

To give you a break?

Yeah; well… I kinda don’t get those anymore.

So, I’m dating myself….

Thankfully, I have a Mom and Dad who are awesome and love spending time with their grandchildren. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) The kids are with them today, and while I’m tempted to go catch a movie that is not a cartoon; I’ve been enjoying a leisurely day in my very comfortable pj’s that I bought as a treat for myself yesterday. I’ve decided to do laundry; which sounds contrary while being child free; but is actually something that relaxes me.

So I’ll watch a movie and fold clothes and drink a cup of coffee at 3 pm in my pajamas and maybe eat some chocolate…

Maybe it’s not a typical date, but since I can’t date my husband, I’ll do things to relax and have fun in a different way. I think that’s what God wants me to do. I could cry and whine and complain; but what would that really accomplish? I would rather be happy that my friends understand the importance of dating their husbands and maybe offer to babysit for them. That would be way more fun than feeling sorry for myself.

Again, the glass half full deal…
I think I’ll go check out my favorite bookstore or just stay in my pajamas Who knows; either way, I’m going to enjoy myself…

Be blessed friends…
Gretchen

 

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