It’s been almost eight months since Robert passed away. Even as I type that it seems so very strange to say. Life has gone on. The world didn’t stop. Time failed to stand still. And yet it has in a way. For the person that has suffered a loss, our world does stop. The world you once had is no longer and you find yourself trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like without your husband, your wife, your mom, your child… You fill in the blank.
So in a way, time does stand still…
Because really, the life you had with that person is no more. And it hurts. Sometimes the pain is more tangible than the new reality. It almost feels like a dream. A nightmare if you will; that you wake up from startled, and then realize it was just a dream.
Except for us, those who have lost someone they loved;
it’s not a dream and your nightmare is actually your reality.
That all sounds really depressing. It’s not that I sit in my room and cry all day. I have good days. I have bad days. I have days when my life almost feels normal. It only takes a glance at a family picture, or hearing little girl who is five now, saying “I want Daddy,” as the tears begin to fall, that brings me back to the understanding that this is anything but normal.
I see couples together and I’ll be honest, sometimes it feels like a punch in the stomach. Especially older couples. We really wanted to grow old together. I see my sister’s grandchildren, and my heart explodes with love for those babies, and then I remember; Robert will never be a grandfather. We won’t be able to watch our grandkids play in our yard as we sip tea and rock in our rocking chairs like we planned.
It hurts to think about a future without him.
I guess I probably sound depressed. I’m not. I just really loved my husband. The fact that he’s not here anymore doesn’t change that. I’m not looking for someone to take his place or fill his shoes. I still feel married, and maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but I don’t want to change that. I guess if I had any advice to give you, it would be this…
Tomorrow isn’t promised.
Live today. Don’t wait. Don’t wait until your spouse is sick to make things right. Don’t wait until it’s too late to forgive that loved one you haven’t talked to in years. Don’t wait until divorce papers are on the table to realize that you could have tried harder to save what you had.
If I had wasted time holding grudges against my husband, I’d be full of regret right now.
It’s not how I thought my life would be, but my life is still full of love and laughter. While I thought we’d grow old together; we did have the opportunity to grow together. What God gave me in a my husband and marriage was a gift and I won’t waste time spitting in the face of God because things didn’t go the way I planned. I refuse to pout because I didn’t get my way. I trust Him. Despite it all. I trust Him.
He always has a plan. Even if it doesn’t look like he does; he does.
I’m thankful. I’m blessed. I’m still here. I have a purpose in Him.
You do too. You may not feel like you do, but you do.
Even when it’s hard.
Because really; he’s the only one in the world who is truly trustworthy. He’s the lover of your soul. Every good thing that you have or have had is because of God. I trust him, and believe me, this is soooo not what I pictured for my life. But God is faithful to his children and I do trust him with all that I am. So forgive my introspectiveness today. I’m having one of those I really miss my Robert moments. But I rest assured, because of Christ, I will see him again. I grieve with hope. Not that I will only see my husband one day, but that I will be able to embrace the one who gave us to each other.
Be blessed friends,