Monthly Archives: July 2014

Even if I tried…

IMG_0475 I was looking for something…                                                                                                   That’s usually when it happens.  I was looking for something in some random drawer, filled with random things and I found a card from him.  I sat there for a moment, paralyzed by the soft blue hue of the card filled with pink daisies.  It was two years ago that he had given it to me.  “Don’t read it!” My mind screamed.  “You’re doing so good!  You don’t want to go there.  You’re in a good place right now.”  It pleaded with me; warned me of the consequences, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I had to…  How could I not read it?

The words; his words; pierced my heart in such a way that I gasped from the sheer impact of them.  My hand slowly found its way over my mouth and I tried to mask the sounds attempting to escape.  The tears began to quickly flow and my stomach ached with the pain of his absence and the presence of his words.

His words…  

Oh how they hurt me and blessed me all in the same moment.

The card began with, “I am in love with you…”  It told the story of falling in love unexpectedly…          Of the “Amazing gift of falling in love with you; and that “Being in love with you is something I couldn’t stop even if I tried.”  It ended with, “What I’m trying to say is- you’re “it” for me, now and forever.  It was the forever part that unhinged me, that made me gasp; that brought the tears so strong and hot and violently….

Because we didn’t get our forever,

and yet those words are not lost on me

when I think of seeing him in eternity.

I’ll love him forever… 

I can’t help but love him…

 As I opened the card to read his own words; the words he had so carefully written in the left handed script I had tirelessly teased him about, I tried hard to remember to breathe.  I tried not to hear his deep melodic voice saying them in my head unsuccessfully.  I tried not to feel the words wash over me like a tsunami and fill me with an intense longing for him.

He said that he was still “madly in love with me, and he thought that I was beautiful and grew more beautiful each passing year…”  He said that “Aside from Jesus, you truly are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He closed with these words; “I love you girl.

Yeah, I couldn’t stop loving you if I tried.”

And I thought; me either Robert.

Me either…

  IMG_0985044fall 2012 summer 2013 050

Worn…

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I’ll be honest with you…

I’m tired.

Like exhausted tired.

Worn.

Grieving is hard.  

It’s quite exhausting.

It doesn’t care that you have five children to care for, including two teens, two tweens and a five-year old going on 25.  No; grief punches you in the stomach on days when your teen has a bad attitude, and the five-year old is crying because you won’t buy her high heels to wear to church and the tween is upset that he can’t play video games all day…

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It just doesn’t care if you’ve had a hard day.

It doesn’t bother to ask you if you’re okay, or if your feelings are hurt from some random friend leaving you out of something that everyone else was invited to… Or bother to care that a friend stood you up.  Grief is grief.  It just doesn’t care.  It still hurts you, and it still makes you feel like you’re stagnant; knee-deep in mud, unable to move.

It’s the gift that keeps giving…

It’s the sleepless nights, and the long days, when you push through because you just have to…

It’s the putting a smile on your face and pretending to be okay when you kinda feel like you’re falling apart.  It’s the wondering if you’ll ever feel like a normal person again.  It’s the dream of a dream that feels more like a nightmare.  That’s where I am right now.  That is my address…  It’s where I live.

It’s the place that no one can really understand unless they’ve lost someone who they loved.  Some might try to understand, while others just wish you’d get over it.  That always makes me laugh.

Yes, get over losing the love of your life, the Father of your children.  The other half of you…            Your person…  Your everything.   The person that you shared your hopes and dreams with and knew that he was a very safe place to do so…  Yeah, that would be really easy to get over.

Not…

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I don’t have any answers, I don’t have any analogies to offer.  I can only trust that God knows what he’s doing here.  I can only trust that it won’t always hurt so much.  I can only hope that my heart won’t ache when I see his pictures, or that it doesn’t take my breath away when I accidentally come across a picture of him or us.

I’m tired.  I’m tired of grieving.  I’m tired of hurting.  I’m tired of crying.

But I don’t know how to do anything else right now.  I don’t know how to tell my heart to stop wishing he was here… I don’t know how to tell my body to stop missing his arms around me each night when I lay down in our bed…  I close my eyes and I see him.. I see his smile.. I hear his voice saying, “I love you woman,” and I ache for him.

I know where he is, and that brings me great comfort.  It’s because of that, that I can make it through the day, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that sometimes I’m just going through the motions.  I’ve never needed a man.  I was a very independent single woman.  I don’t need a man now, nor am I looking for a replacement.  I just want my husband.  Robert.

I loved him then, and I love him now.

Time nor distance, nor his heavenly address will ever change that.

I have to hold onto the reality of the scriptures and God’s promises to me that “I can do all things through Christ, ” yes, even this.  That he said he would never leave me or forsake me… That he would take care of all of my needs according to his riches and glory in Christ.

So, while I’m tired and worn, and grief doesn’t care about how I’m feeling;  I’ll hold onto Jesus and get through this, and hope that he will use our pain for His glory.  But if you’re reading this, I’d ask you to please remember my children and I in your prayers.  Remember the teens, who wish they had their Dad to look to, to talk about the guy stuff they don’t want to talk to their mom about, remember my 8-year-old who, at times, seems lost without the guidance and love of his Dad, and my girls, who miss hearing their Daddy call them his princesses.

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I have to give all of that over to God, but I won’t pretend that it doesn’t bother me.  I have to trust that God knows what he is doing… I don’t mean to be a downer, but this is what is on my heart, and I’m nothing, if not transparent…

For the most part, we’re doing ok…  My children are well-adjusted.  They say that they’re okay, because they know that he’s with Jesus and that they will one day see him again.  Little girl just wants to be sure that Jesus is giving Daddy enough food.  (Oh the heart of a five-year old…)

There are times when I wish that I hadn’t loved Robert so much…  I’ve had the thought that if I could go back in time and some magical being showed me our future; his future, that maybe I wouldn’t choose a life with him. Of course that would alter my entire future and my children would no longer be…  What would my life look like had I not married my husband?  Perhaps I wouldn’t be in pain right now, but I would have missed out on so much.  All of the years spent together, our talks, our dreams that we shared…  All of the amazing memories that we made together and the life that we shared with each other and our children.

I wouldn’t trade any of it to be pain-free right now.

Not one moment.  

IMG_0950So, I guess I’ll do my best to live this life and wait for our reunion when God sees fit to arrange it.

And I won’t complain.

Because as I look back on my life; our life; it’s been pretty dang good.

IMG_2125So there; in your face grief. 

Be blessed friends.

 

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