I was looking for something… That’s usually when it happens. I was looking for something in some random drawer, filled with random things and I found a card from him. I sat there for a moment, paralyzed by the soft blue hue of the card filled with pink daisies. It was two years ago that he had given it to me. “Don’t read it!” My mind screamed. “You’re doing so good! You don’t want to go there. You’re in a good place right now.” It pleaded with me; warned me of the consequences, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I had to… How could I not read it?
The words; his words; pierced my heart in such a way that I gasped from the sheer impact of them. My hand slowly found its way over my mouth and I tried to mask the sounds attempting to escape. The tears began to quickly flow and my stomach ached with the pain of his absence and the presence of his words.
Oh how they hurt me and blessed me all in the same moment.
The card began with, “I am in love with you…” It told the story of falling in love unexpectedly… Of the “Amazing gift of falling in love with you; and that “Being in love with you is something I couldn’t stop even if I tried.” It ended with, “What I’m trying to say is- you’re “it” for me, now and forever. It was the forever part that unhinged me, that made me gasp; that brought the tears so strong and hot and violently….
Because we didn’t get our forever,
and yet those words are not lost on me
when I think of seeing him in eternity.
I’ll love him forever…
I can’t help but love him…
As I opened the card to read his own words; the words he had so carefully written in the left handed script I had tirelessly teased him about, I tried hard to remember to breathe. I tried not to hear his deep melodic voice saying them in my head unsuccessfully. I tried not to feel the words wash over me like a tsunami and fill me with an intense longing for him.
He said that he was still “madly in love with me, and he thought that I was beautiful and grew more beautiful each passing year…” He said that “Aside from Jesus, you truly are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
He closed with these words; “I love you girl.
Yeah, I couldn’t stop loving you if I tried.”
And I thought; me either Robert.