But it’s how I’ve been feeling lately. As if I’m walking through life with my eyes closed… Afraid to look at what’s happening around me, paralyzed and unable to really participate in my own life.
The truth is, I know I’m very blessed. Like really really blessed. But there are moments when it all just seems like too much. Its not just being a single mom, it’s all of it. All of life. More succinctly, all of life without Robert.
It’s been almost three years since my husband died and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss him. I feel like I’m walking in the dark without him. I’m playing at life without really being a part of my own life.
I feel like I’m almost sleepwalking through life.
I’ll be honest with you… I don’t like my life… I realize that sounds bad. Let me clarify… I don’t like my life without Robert. It just doesn’t seem right with him not here.
He was my best friend. He was my person. He was the person that I shared everything with. Every thought, every emotion, every pain and every joy.
I miss that. A lot.
I envy people who are married… I envy those whose husbands come home at the end of the day…
I miss my five o’clock kisses in the kitchen. His deep voice asking me about my day. His texts to say that he loved me just because. I miss us laughing together and our long deep conversations. I miss our long talks after church discussing the sermon of the day.
I miss him.
My best friend, my husband, my heart, my boy, my man…
My everything rolled up into one person.
I don’t like my life without him at all. I’m just being transparent here. I wish I could magically change the past and make the last five years disappear. However, I know I can’t do that.
So here’s what I’ve decided to do…
While I don’t like my life without Robert, I’m going to trust that God knows what He’s doing despite my feelings.
I’m going to create a life that I love.
I’m going to raise my kids and enjoy them. I’m going to dance in my kitchen and laugh at myself…
I’m going to go on long walks and stay up late on the weekends and camp out in my backyard with my kids… I’m going to have the life with my children that Robert and I talked about for so many years.
I don’t like my life… But I’m going to learn how to love it anyway.
I know that’s what my husband would want me to do. I know that’s what God wants me to do.
I know that’s what I need to do.
So excuse my weird picture… And my ramblings. Here’s to walking through life with opened eyes… Here’s to creating a life that you love even if you don’t like your circumstances… We can do this… God says we can, and he like; knows stuff.
I double dog dare you to love your life. 😘😉